Learning the rhythms of marriage is a beautiful process. Over years you continue to become more and more in tune to your partners growing and changing needs. Moving gently to the music as you both grow and change together.
What started me pursuing the idea of finding rhythm in our marriage?
I’m a perfectionist, I like doing well and getting an A+ on everything. I wanted to be a good wife when I married my soul mate. I hoped to flawlessly support and anticipate his every need.
Early on, I took “failing” at this very seriously. I never "failed" in major ways, but I’m human, I can be selfish and think of me first.
Whenever I misinterpreted his needs or did/said something hurtful to him, it killed me; even if I was doing it without realizing it. He is a very gracious man who never made me feel this way, it was my perfectionist self to blame.
As we began this journey of learning the rhythms of marriage we started to see how; mistakes and hurts, laced with grace and commitment, would lead to deepening our love; which also led to a fuller understanding of God’s love for us.
Give each other Grace
Over the past 17 plus years of marriage, we have both been through changes in desires and habits. We are different people than we were when we said our vows; because of that our needs have grown and changed over the years, several times.
Early on when anticipating each others needs we occasionally missed the mark. This gave us great opportunities to learn how to communicate what we needed. To voice our expectations and how we felt when we were heard or not heard.
In Learning the rhythm of marriage we learn to serve each other well. We learn grace in each other’s short comings and to celebrate and notice when we see the other succeed.
Caring for each other in a way only someone who really knows you and loves you can, is truly a gift from God.
God was faithful, and continues to be
Early in our relationship, before we were married, my hubby expressed his need for time alone. At the time I thought, “you don’t want to be with me all the time?” Although hard to hear, I gave it to God. Knowing God made him just for me, I trusted either his heart would change, or mine would. I tried not to think of my own desires and honor his.
I can’t remember how long it was now. But he came to me and said he didn't need alone time anymore. He said he’d rather just be with me! It was one of the first times in my marriage where I truly trusted God with the desires of my heart, and He took care of me! I didn’t have to think of me because God was.
I’m not saying everything I desires comes to me. There has been plenty of times when God changed my heart too, in every situation He has been faithful.
News flash: You didn't marry a robot
Make sure you are in tune to each other. Taking notice of things like body language, and ever changing circumstances helps remind us we didn’t marry a robot. A machine is predictable, you know what it will do and when. You can turn on auto pilot and not pay attention to it, you can not view your spouse this way.
To live in such close proximity, intimately with someone, is a privilege not everyone has and many don’t appreciate.
I love studying my hubby, and plan never to stop. Some days I ace the test and some days I get a big fat F. Don’t let one misstep or even five discourage you, this is a marathon not a sprint.
Making a conscious effort to understand, accommodate and care for the current state of your spouse’s mind, soul and body is learning the rhythm of marriage.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again
Will you have misunderstandings? Yes! Will you fail to recognize each others needs? Yes! just view it as a learning opportunity not a failure. Choose to not just accommodate your spouse’s needs, but look for new ways you can show them love and support!
This world can be an ugly place and God provided you both with a built in support system on earth. Treat your spouse with the honor God calls us to and look for little ways you can bless them.
Be mindful if their needs change. Communicate with love and grace when your needs change. Pray faithfully for their specific needs. Pray for God to give you the insight to serve them well.
When marriage is done in the way God designed, it will bring you joy. You will experience even deeper what the Bible means when it says, “We are the Bride of Christ”.
What does the Bible say about learning rhythm in marriage?
Now the Lord God said, "It is not good (beneficial) for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper [one who balances him-a counterpart who is] suitable and complimentary for him". Genesis 2:18 AMP
Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. "At last!" the man exclaimed. "This is now bone of my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called 'woman,' because she was taken from 'man.'" This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, the two are untied as one. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame. Genesis 2:22-25 NLT